Imagine if your mandate was to bring pieces of the earth to the surface and build great towering structures heavenward?

27th November 2012

Its one night before the full moon, and the land is lit up the sweetest silver. Gorgeous is out on the bare patch of earth in front of the cottage, soaking up the moonlight, independent and slightly wild.

Whilst cooking my dinner earlier I heard what could only be a lion grunting – a bit like the after roar sound but not quite. It seems to loud and resonant through the earth to be a wildebeest, and my guess is its Nebu out there full moon hunting, whispering for her brothers. Usually she roars for them, a soft low roar full of yearning.

All the little animals are emerging – this morning I saw tiny impala lambs with their huge eyes, so sweet and curious. Justice reported today that the first wildebeest calf had been born, and we all hope the lions don’t get it. I would love to see the new warthog – they are just the cutest things. A few weeks ago I saw the jackal pups and their proud mama – they were exceedingly charming with their large ears and curious sorties towards Lorenzo, my silver VW Golf.

Last night what had to be a young hyena crossed my path – it was dusk and the way he loped off down the road, black tail sweeping the air behind him, from his posture it had to be a hyena.

Tonight I sat in the gentle moonlight as Gorgeous preened and scratched, her back to me (if I approach her she stalks off, if I don’t give her attention she’s all over me!) So I sang to her, my voice sweet and low tonight, a liquid night, I sang her a song that might come out of Ireland:

Oh Gorgeous, my Gorgeous

Come closer tonight.

Oh Gorgeous, my Gorgeous

Under the moonlight.

She didn’t come closer, but then the lion grunted and the hyena joined in and I felt satisfied that I joined the bushveld choir in such delicious synchronity. 

Gorgeous on the altar, no doubt making important adjustments.

Does she have any idea how adorable she is?

2nd September 2012

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2^nd September 2012

I am in a warm rondavel at Margsol, L’s family property – a charming guesthouse built at the turn of the twentieth century between Nelspruit and White River, hidden behind mango and cabbage plantations, the only hint of it an avenue of mighty poplar trees. This is where Eugene Marais wrote the Soul of the Ape, wonderful refuge from the world out there. 

I drove today from Wakkerstroom where I met my beloved for our fortnightly cocoon of love, rest and good food. I had driven through the coal belt of Carolina in Friday’s dusk, and noticed the charming old buildings as I entered Volksrust, once a bastion of Boer life. As you emerge from the dip beneath the railway bridge, classic old buildings of colonial South Africa line the streets – the general stores and shopfront homes of those days long gone. Like most South African country towns now, it looks shabby but I couldn’t quite make out the extent of it in the fading light. Volksrust was pumping as people adjusted their wigs and skinny jeans for a hot Friday night out on the town, no doubt.

Like most of the towns I drive through in my numerous travels around Limpopo and Mpumalanga, the signage is faded or non existent, or as in wretched Ermelo’s case, simply incorrect, leading me the wrong way, where even a traffic cop gave me the wrong directions. Hideous place, it has joined my lost of “towns to be avoided” ticking a few boxes like “smells appalling”, “can’t breathe here”, “visible pollution, “absence of soul”.

I finally found the correct turn to Wakkerstroom (signage clearly not a priority to the populace) and drove past the township, electrically lit up on one side and in deep darkness on the other. Like so many South African towns.

I met my beloved at a wonderful bistro in Wakkerstroom where the waitstaff  provided impeccable service as the chef got progressively shnockered and came out to chat, slurring and repeating herself. We humoured her, her blue chees and cabbage soup unsurpassed and her menu valuable currency for forgiveness, but lamented the state of her and where her addiction would inevitably take her.

The next day after an incredible breakfast of hardboiled egg salad on fresh bagels at Brie Street, another unspeakably stylish café in the two street town, we went to look for vegetables to cook for dinner. There was only cabbage and sad looking onions at the various road stalls, so my beloved suggested we head for Volksrust. He was keen to see the lovely old buildings I’d spoken of.  In the one o’clock light of Saturday, Volksrust showed itself unkempt, a latchkey kid only paid attention to for the express purposes of its residents, who appear to be profoundly disinterested in its wellbeing and upkeep. 

What a very sad state Volksrust is in – the old houses crumbling, or support for crude colourful advertisements for televisions and hire purchase furniture, cheap Chinese fashion and motor spares. Behind solid security bars in the centre of town stands an old black locomotive and signal pole – meaningful to someone who no longer lives there. In fact this was the place where the arms and ammunition for the Anglo-Boer war was delivered by rail.  A granite monument to the settlers is equally imprisoned in spiked fencing. All around is cheap stuff to buy, people trying to get a ride somewhere, people walking, month end shopping, people and unkempt urban mess everywhere.

This scenario got me wondering, what happened to the volk? What happened to the Broederbond and those who proclaimed Afrikaans’ superiority so loudly, who sang the glory of the Great Trek as a noble and honourable journey away from pale persecutors? What happened to those who built and promoted the Voortrekker monument, the rocks on the hill in Wakkerstroom celebrating 1838 – 1938 : why have they let the rural heartland go to ruin? Just about every South African town looks like this – as id people live there who have no sense of ownership of it, and no investment in its future. It is for NOW and only now. If it falls down, fuck it. Walk away and build another tin shack that serves for shelter and don’t worry about the crumbling wreck of a structure that holds not only solid design and heritage, granted, heritage that may be meaningless or even drenched in resentment or pain – walk away as the desperate and opportunistic strip it of roof tiles, window and door frames, floor boards, walk away as the shell gets left to stand testimony to a people who consumed and fled.

I imagine some of these live in the heartless and disconnected security villages in Centurion or elsewhere in Gauteng.

Today was probably the most depressing day of my time here in South Africa, driving north to Kaapse Hoop through Ermelo, Carolina, Machadadorp – through the reckless, rapacious, disgraceful rape of the coal mining companies and the filthy stink they spew out – the landscapes degraded beyond repair. The townships with their endless rows of RDP housing – badly built to collapse in a few years’ time, immorally conceived by design of paucity – small plots not big enough to grow a shade-providing tree on. Roofs held down with bricks, rocks or tyres weighting them. Rows upon rows of uniform little boxes, exactly like the apartheid government built, shimmering new roofs – speak of the stunted intellects who conceived, signed them off and produced them.

I cried for the country that was once beautiful and functional, once loved, maintained and cared for. I know I know – the coal mines  were in operation then, and the gold mines were devouring the earth and poisoning the water systems them. But …

But, the litter. The lack of care and maintenance. The cheap fixes.

Underlying my deep despair was the news I heard on Friday, that the National Prosecuting Authority had charged the 270 Marikana miners with murder, using an old apartheid law of “common purpose”. I could not believe that they would do this – so blatantly nudge an insurrection into place, possibly create so much civil unrest that we go to war. Who is the person who made this outrageous and provocative call? Who is the fool who sees profit in whatever chaos erupts, because no peace or civil order can come of this. My heart is breaking at what has become of my country. And this isn’t a straight up race whinge. Far from it. The Afrikaans people that are running captive breeding and canned hunting of wild animals are equally abhorrent, as the ANC chaos makers.

It’s a terrible disregard for all life and heritage, that is underwritten by a profit motive. It really does break my heart to see what we have created.

Meet Herero, the wily lizard who lives in my ceiling. Herero loves: dinnertime in Tula Cottage, when the paraffin lamp is set to high, overseeing my gas stove. When I retreat from cooking, Herero moves in to snap up the bugs that have convened, mesmerised  by the bright flame of the lamp. Although he may appear indiscriminate, his favourite meals are: crispy beetle, lazy fly, succulent moth and delicate praying mantis.

Herero’s job description is: Guardian of high ceilings and complex thatched roof spaces.

I am yet to learn more about his family, as many of them left when I moved in to Tula Cottage, indignant at the space consuming items I installed in their home and the vigour of my broom across the varnished concrete floor.

Wasp stings and Gratitude

Last Thursday, in the midst of an intensely pressurised morning completing a grant application with our team before I drove to Jo’burg at midday, a wasp stung me just below my right eye.  It was intensely sore, and I got a terrible fright when he flew straight for my eye as I picked the kettle up. I simply didn’t see him until he was buzzing frenetically around my eye socket. 
 

At first I was wounded and pissed off – the only treatment available in the first aid kit was anti-histamine. Now why would I want to take that and interfere in my body’s process to deal with the poison? I threw a minor tantrum about how it was typical of “this place”, that the first aid kit would be under-stocked. My colleague in the office tried to help me but I was so irritated an overwhelmed that I just retreated, with a piece of grubby ice I picked from the filthy freezer in the staff kitchen.

Over the weekend my eye swelled overnight and was fairly impressive by morning; my beloved and I joked about how people would assumed that he’d bliksemed me.

On my drive back to Timbavati on Sunday I was drenched in the beauty of the Drakensberg and Blyde River Canyon area. Ohrigstad and the area leading to Hoedspruit is displaying the fullness of nature’s splendour after the big rains – the trees are voluptuous in deep greens, jacarandas in deep purple bloom, dropping their buds to carpet the roads and sidewalks; a magnificent tree whose name I don’t yet know that has a deep glowing orange bloom.  The land is magnificent.

I pondered how I had been feeling over the last few weeks – the depression, despair, overwhelm, the sense of having to get out immediately. And I wondered about the wasp sting and what the message was. 

This morning after a beautiful meditation, now on my yoga mat, it came  to me: the wasp alerted me to my sight – the first question that came to me on Thursday was, “what am I not seeing?” And on my drive back as I marvelled at the beauty of Limpopo, I became sadly aware of how unappreciative I had become of my home in Timbavati. True, sometimes the intensity and dominance of nature can be overwhelming – like the chaos, to my eyes, at the riverbed after the rains, when the new growth careens upward from the trees pushed horizontal by the floods.  When I’m feeling tender, knowing that it is the leopard’s territory and that she can attack if I am unaware or disrespectful, that I may turn a corner and meet the buffalo and have nowhere to run or hide, sends me into tense anxiety.

Yesterday morning I walked this very pilgrimage path next to the river – my boss suggested I do this as I had named one of the contributing factors of my fatigue as lack of exercise. Even though I was feeling vulnerable, I strapped my two way radio onto my belt, greeted the land and asked for permission to be there. Then I walked through the bush growing at a frenetic rate, over the fresh buffalo and hippo droppings, to the Rock Starlion, the massive crystal lion sculpture that my beloved conceived and constructed. I walked the path that called me to mark it out as the approach to the lion, and then made my way back to the office.

Driving back to the office after lunch I had the most intense encounter - a beautiful yellow and green chameleon in mortal combat with a brown house snake. The chameleon was incredible - stood his ground as the snake retreated, circled and came back and back at it. I was rooting for the chameleon, really, the snake was pretty scary pursuing his prey - he even came up to the car window (swiftly wound up) to check me out! After about five minutes the snake made his move and bit into the chameleon's belly and wrapped his body around him to complete the manoeuvre. The snake wasn't that big, but he lifted that chameleon's body about 30cm high to carry him into the bush .... I was drenched with sweat by the end of the spectacle!

Last night an electrifying lightning storm approached us – I watched it move from the northern horizon, cracking open the sky it came our way, a boisterous wind clearing its path. A magical sight, seeing the bush plains lit up by this sky fire. 

The previous night had been still – under the radiance of the full moon Gorgeous the Queenly Cat and I sat in the silver light, clearly being charged up by Lua. Gorgeous stayed out all night on a cleared patch of earth, barely moving, I imagine soaking it in and engaging in some kind of alchemy.

On coming home yesterday I spotted a large scorpion, grey body and huge black pincers on the edge of my raw concrete stoep. I tried to keep my panic low and not draw attention to him so that Gorgeous wouldn’t investigate. As I stood on the one spot where there is enough celphone reception, talking to my beloved, about three feet away from said scorpion, Gorgeous strolled out and stepped onto him. Before he could sting her she was off, unaware and regal. I decided I had to move him, so with not as much grace as I would like, I edged him onto a newspaper and then into a big blue plastic tub and took him up to the road. 

Hopefully he won’t come back.

So I have the wasp, and my beloved, and my dear friend B, my brother and his wife to thank for helping me through a very tough time here – a time of fatigue and disenchantment. I don’t know what the next plans are, but for now, I am here, in my little thatched roof cottage with Gorgeous, candles, paraffin lamp and gas stove, enjoying solitude and magnificent nature. Today I will clear the growing grass from around my house, rake the earth African style, so that I can see any approaching critters. And I shall erect my altar, so that I can share my bounty with the earth.

Move to Tula Cottage

Move to Tula Cottage - 18th September 2012

I moved into my new home a couple of weeks ago, just before the rains came. I had been sharing Tula House with two young women who work on the project, but the time came for me to move into my own space, where I could make phone calls and noise that wouldn’t disturb my housemate, and not be disturbed by her noise.

And so Tula Cottage came free. It had been renovated for the Leadership Academy, with a new concrete floor and fresh lick of cream coloured paint, a jaunty piece of dark orange sailcloth sheltering the stoep from the merciless sun. Tula Cottage has no water, gas or electricity, but it has a beautiful view of the savannah and I see animals daily – the enormous majestic eland, gaggles of busy guinea fowl, warthog, impala, nyala, many nervous wildebeest. Last night the lions roared so loudly, in a place nearby that is a bowl and creates an echo, I felt like they were in the front garden.

I was a bit nervous when I moved in – it felt a bit remote and cut off, and I was hyperalert the first few nights. Poor J, the Head of Operations – on about my fourth night I woke with a terrible start at the sound of a loud, clear voice calling out, “Hello!!” It was so distinct, I woke up with my palms in a sweat, rigid with fear that a strange man might be outside, and how would I defend myself? There are no bars on the windows, he need just break a pane and he’d be in. What would I do? I sat frozen in bed for about four minutes, and then picked up the two way radio and woke J. Poor guy – he came out straight away and searched the area for tracks, of which he found none, and surmised a while later that I had heard the death cry of a wildebeest that the lions had just killed. I felt fairly embarrassed, which continued in the morning when two of the rangers were set to scanning the area on foot for tracks and didn’t find any. L and J were very kind and assured me that it was “better to be safe than sorry.”

I realised how very highly strung I am. I honestly hadn’t thought much of my alertness, but clearly, I am quite a worrier, as my beloved points out.

My nerves somewhat calmed but the realisation of my hyperalertness, I slept deeply the next night, until I woke to the distinctive sounds of a mouse skirtching and scratching around – a plastic bag, in the books, across the grass mat. I was tired – really needed to sleep, so asked the mouse to please be quiet. This had absolutely no effect, so I lit candles and shone my torch around – to which the mouse predictably disappeared, stood still and held his breath. Lights out, head down, sleep approached. Skritch skirtch, scratch, plastic bag, paper … I jerked up profoundly irritated to be woken. Torch on, blazing into the tiny area that is my hut. “Mouse,” I called out loudly, “you and I cannot live together. You are far too noisy and I need to SLEEP!” I boomed out, unnecessary tyrant. Lights out, a call to sleep, and the mouse resumed. I realised my bad temper and loud vocalising meant nothing to the mouse, so I let him know that Gorgeous, our fine and brilliant mouse catching cat, would be coming by in the next few days so he would have to make a choice – get eaten by her or move into the garage. The four handsome lizards living in the ceiling watched on without moving, letting a few droppings fall as the time went by.

Eventually I thought “fuck it” and found my earplugs, admonishing the mouse for ruining my night and threatening him with Gorgeous one more time for good measure.

I slept fitfully, right through my alarm and had to speed up my morning coming to consciousness to get to the office.

At the end of the day I came home to the cottage, opened the door an inhaled the wonderful smell of the thatched roof, one of my favourite smells in the world, and went to collapse on the bed. There, on the bedside table, were the remains of the orange earplugs – shredded into tiny pieces and stacked into two tiny mounds – one on the table and one under my pillow. Not eaten, but nibbled to death. I burst out laughing – Mouse: 1, me: 0. What a hilarious clear message the mouse had sent me.

That night he happily scratched and scratched away, and I spoke to him more kindly, still asking him to be quiet and move out, and also reminding him about Gorgeous.

The next day I had to get Gorgeous on board. I adore her and relish any time I can spend with her. Gorgeous has spent a night with me when I absolutely needed her magnificent protection, a night when dark forces were coming my way and she stayed absolutely still right next to my head, and I had a dreamless night, whilst all around me had nightmares and did battle with opposition.  I thanked her sincerely and profusely every time I saw her, and we became close friends. So I found her in the garden on a sunny spring day and told her, thinking pictures in my mind, that I now lived in the cottage and I would love for her to visit me. Also, I told her I had a mouse that was keeping me awake, and asked her to please come and do her work and rid my sanctuary of the noisy little creature.

I called her to walk with me to the cottage, and she gingerly came halfway, at which point she spotted Max the Labrador from the next door camp and practically made herself invisible with speed back to Tula House.

But, about five nights later, I came back to the cottage and saw a figure – it was gorgeous come to visit me! She happily rolled on her back in the dirt and I poured my love all over her, and invited her inside. She strode in, tail erect and did a full patrol of the perimeter, under the bed, the stacks of books on the floor waiting for their bookshelf. She gazed intently at the lizards in the roof for a while, and then I invited her onto the bed where she melted into a session of stroking, chatting and general loving.

And now, touch wood, the mouse has moved out, I imagine he smelled Gorgeous and decided to vacate before she found him. Sorry little mouse, you are so tiny and actually very pretty, but we can’t live together, not in this little cottage.

All my relations.

15th July 2012

15^th July 2012 

The Leadership Academy is up and running, and I have now been working at the WLT for three months and 15 days. 

Today I had a day off with a few work interruptions. It started with a long waited for lie-in, the morning quiet broken by the ping of the microwave as M heated the milk for her coffee at 5.30am, and then started baking for the coffee shop. I lay  in bed for three hours, trying to get back to sleep, ear plugs in, eye mask on, my mind going on and on and on about what a shopping mall Tula House has become and how completely irritated I am by the constant passage of people and disturbance. 

I didn’t want to make M feel bad  - she’s such a little old thing, and so sensitive, and really, what would it help to be shitty or try and correct the situation by asking her to wait until 7am. Something in me switched and I decided to just drop it, and be nice. And that was the right decision. It was so much easier than “asking for my needs to be met”.

It is the time of accelerated processing. Just say the thing that needs saying and move on. Sometimes its to give an instruction, sometimes its to straighten something out, but rarely is it an emotional share out here in lion lands.

In my love life too, my beloved is an extraordinary man who moves through things quickly – so far that I have known him, he is willing to engage and move into love. What an incredible blessing. I adore him.

Today I took a slow walk down the river. The participants were in silence all day, and as I am premenstrual, things are a bit touch and go – yesterday I felt so down, today jolly, I just walk slowly. Earthwalked. Thought of getting Julia over to Earthwalk here. How she can manifest and get the money together.

I slowed in the sun next to the knot of trees uprooted and swept downstream in January’s flood – the once picturesque riverside now a wild tangle of trees, bamboo and vines, wild and impassable. I heard the snort of a hippo later today, and I’m aware the leopard is there. Lots of birdlife, someone calling the alarm as I entered the bush.

After I paid my respects the remembrance filtered though that I had wondered if Africa would spit me out or accept me back, before I came here.

The learning has been much more than that. My home and work environment populated by people I would normally only find myself working with, I have been pushed to my edge for weeks on end in a huge projection and transference on one particular woman, to whom I have a physical reaction of heightened anxiety , incessant allergy and obsessive defensive reaction to. I have experienced her betraying me, side-swiping me, constantly trying to off-load her work onto me, and this is after we started off by being friends. Oh, its been too awful … but finally today I am seeing some light, after I got it this morning that I can lighten up a bit and watch my extreme reactions and the fantasies my mind makes up There’s no doubt about it she does send me poison darts energetically, and she gets right under my skin.

Anyhow, it occurred to me today that one of my big spiritual lessons being back here in Africa is to learn how to be in the world, after 12 years retreat (in a manner of speaking) in Australia, a controlled environment. Here, all your worst nightmares can easily come true. I was concerned about being attacked by some kind of dark force and prayed for protection – but I guess I wasn’t clear enough about it or focussed enough on sealing myself off. I got my first big lesson in African spirituality recently when I got a cold that not only wouldn’t go away, but just got worse and worse and bronchial. As my mind descended into a dark place, I realised that the entities has once more attached to me, and I told L as I was worried that I was getting very ill, with a nasty malaria type headache starting up. She advised I spend time with the lions, which I did. I asked for their help and they came to find me – Matsieng – the lion I have felt connected to since Australia, and Zukhara came to the gate of Tula House one morning after I had asked for their help the night before, and checked me out for ten minutes. Bliss. The next day Princess Nebu arrested us on the road to the office, in her full glory.

I found out the full details of what happened to me this week. It was an attack, coming from an outside person with dark intentions, channelled through the most unlikely man who to me represented all that is good and upright. It was a direct attack to prevent the birthing of the sacred feminine, and I was one of three who were attacked, the other two being lions. It was very serious, but I was in good healing hands with two incredible Afrikaans women lightworkers and came through.

Tomorrow I get my chart read by M and it sounds like I have a big spiritual awakening coming my way, or elevation, growth, whatever you want to call it. As my beloved says, spiritual expansion in Africa is nowhere near as graceful as the Europeans would have it – here, its more like a rugby scrum, where you lock in with the dark lords and fight for your life.

Indeed. Lesson number 1.

Bismillah.