30th May 2011
I am looking for someone to share the depths of life with, not necessarily the minutae of shoes, socks, electricity bills, political commentary. It’s the deeper love I’m thinking of, shared over a cup of tea, after a rapture of entry and outlandish longing, a gate opening beyond its own spectrum, a love never glimpsed but who made its name familiar by the persistent calling it echoed in the night, the early morning mussed up sheets, the afternoons of heart-stopping surges. Power surges who cry, who am I not to love? Who am I not to breathe sharp breath at the sight of four dolphins hurtling down a wave, perfectly aligned? Who am I not to heed the message I requested of the sea eagle, not to sing the song that issues, pouring from my lips? Who am I not to belong, to claim the earth of my red hot homeland, to feel the stillness of time stopping on a beach that holds my secret heart so dear?
Who am I not to claim the unknown, the messiness so exquisitely crafted into foundations for divinity, ordinary divine presence in the greens of the Japanese weeds along the beach, wedgewood blue of the skies that frame the gulls, the crows, pair of butterflies?
Who am I not to love, to extend my friendship, to let my curiosity out on a lead to sniff around your ankles, lick your face like a Jack Russell who never knew any inhibitions?
What gives me the right to keep it all safe when what I see is so utterly imperfect. Sure I can feel unloved or rejected when he replies to my elaborate txt with a greyscale “ok”. But today I saw a pod of dolphins splashing close to the shore, the sea eagle flew really low so I could discern his detail, and the terns threw themselves at the water with divebomb enthusiasm, and I am alive, curious about how this illusion works, nervous about participating in a medicine circle, silently inspired by a matrix of healing in the job I get paid to do.
Who am I not to simply melt, and let it all wash away, let it all be loose, and forgiving, and pray-hope that I haven’t done too much harm.
“Park off,” she cried, so I did, right next to the Goddess, as we waited for the kings to arrive.
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